Nov. 19, 2012

I know you rather hear silence then see words but I wanted to give one last apology. I wrote it in a poem cause well that's how it came out:

I am driven insane by you, endless thoughts of secret meetings
Drawn too but disgusted by your flesh
I swear to God I love to hate you
If I didn't long to see you, I would kill you

but I will never speak your name
never say I love you
never glance in your direction
I will continue to dream of things that never will happen
If I didn't hate you so much I might actually love you
If I didn't want you so much maybe I wouldn't hate you

I could have had you, once, twice, three times in fact
but it never happened I couldn't get over the fact you make my skin crawl
Ever want someone so bad they make you physically sick
and you know they are always doing well which makes you smile
but whenever you try to say congrats, shit hits the fan and just like that

I am sorry you hate me, I am sorry that I fuck things up
and I am sorry for all the broken words I have said
I am sorry for letting go, when you said you needed someone, anyone, the most
I am sorry that we never met because I think if we did, we might actually like each other
I am sorry that I could never talk to you just write endless ramblings that had no point
I am sorry for the lies, I am sorry for the deceit
I am sorry I didn't say I am sorry sooner
and I am sorry it took me hurting you this much to final speak the words
I love you and I am sorry.

Ramblings

Nobody said loving yourself would be this hard
I thought, yay I love me and everyone would be happy for me
Instead my happy was a insanity of its own

See I like the solitude,
Like an alcoholic likes his liquor, I like my peace of mind
and they say you can't live alone in the world
and not be of the world but I think I got it down pact

My mother called me a name once,
said I could blend into any environment,
but I am a Scorpio, though my exs might call me a snake
but I don't get how I get called all the bad names but you did me wrong,

See this is why I like the solitude,
there is something comforting about being alone with ones thoughts
I keep replaying the steps I need to take, over again in my head

I had a dream that I had my feet and hands bound and I was thrown in a pool
I survived because my will to survive was stronger then the hands that cast me in the water
It was a sign that I needed to free myself, from my chains
and to lay waste to all that was holding me back
and if you aren't moving in a forward direction with me
then you must be moving against me
so I must let you go, see

She aint got time for all that
head bobbing, gum snapping
she aint got time for all that bullshit
all the lies and the games
boy aint you tired
go on in the house before it gets dark
cause only grown folks stay out in the dark

My Dream

Big Brown eyes staring back at me
Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes
Gently pressed to my breast, intoxicating to my nose
Oh those sweet lips, I can't wait to hear your voice

Oh how I love you and you aren't even here,
your not even in the making,
but one day, one day I will see you face staring back at mine
One day I will hold you in my arms
One day I will rock you to sleep
One day I will kiss your hurt knee
One day I will teach you how to play basketball
One day I will tell you where babies come from
One day I will watch you leave for school all by yourself
One day I will take you shopping for prom
One day I will take you to get a car
One day I will follow you off to college
One day I will see you at your graduation
One day I will come visit you in your first house
One day I will hold my first grand child
One day I will get old, and tell you that I love you
One day I will take my place among the stars watching over you
One day when you feel over burdened, I will be there lifting you up
and one day when you have a lived a life so very blessed and god calls you home

I will be there, once again to stare into those Big Brown eyes,
touch those ten perfect fingers and toes
to gently hold you to my chest, and smell my sweet dear child
and see those sweet lips and hear that voice say, I love you mom

Oh how I love you and you aren't even here
how I love your and your not in the making
I love you and you are still just My Dream

Dear Lover

I wish I felt your lips still pressed against mine,
tongues tied, dancing playfully side by side
I wish I felt your finger tips spelling out your desire,
hand prints on thighs, working their way inside
I wish I felt our bodies pressed together in ecstasy,
passionate strokes causing our bodies to erupt

I wish you kissed me slower, I wished you would take your time
I was your reward, crown jewel, Queen
not just something your were sliding between
so lover I wished you would take your time
I wished you loved me harder, harder then lovers do
I wished you and I could be US, that 1 + 1 could equal 1 and not 2

Dear sweet lover, I wish I was braver
I wish I would have said those words before feelings were confused
See I loved you but was not in love with you
and you were in love with me but did not love me
There is a difference, see
I wanted you to be successful
you wanted me sexually
and though I must admit you made me hot
it was that same heat that burnt up our picture of tomorrow
I would never say I was sorry for our journey,
it was beautiful while it lasted,
Its beauty helped me believe in love again
and live life with passion

I wish you a happy life, dear sweet lover