Affairs in Order

It's time to get my affairs in order,
I can't say that I have enjoyed life,
It has been one burden after another,
pain and anguish,
I have often hoped for the best,
however, I am often met with the worse,
My life has no value or meaning,
Each attempt to love myself,
results in my own destruction,
I have tried to end my misery without success,
Nothing could destroy me, including myself,
The world would be better without,
I tell myself daily,
just end it now,
I must get my affairs in order,
as to not leave a financial burden for my family,
as to not cause my family anymore pain,
When the time comes,
I hope to journey into the cold dark night,
never to return, peace at last,

Dear Elijah

First let me start by telling you I love you and not a day goes by that I don't wish you were with me.

It all started with a team,
I was playing basketball in college,
never went to class and thought I had all the knowledge,
flirting nice and casual,
In the middle of the happenings,
I was living every athletes college dreams,

Season ended things got hazy,
starting feeling kinda crazy,
found out I was having a baby,
what in the world, wait maybe,

I knew that I wanted you but you weren't mine to have,
Seeing as how you let five months pass,
I never felt you move or saw you grow gradually,
you were all of a sudden, someone I was having,
So the choice seemed real simple,
I would give you away with love,
Too two people that you had chosen from above,
The first time I felt you leap,
I was staring at a picture of your parents, you didn't skip a beat,

The time we had left, flew quickly by,
I was your angel, you gave me new life,
But the joy quickly turned to sadness, as I longed for your smell,
The touch of you, wish I knew it this well,
Salted tears give way, dreams die and we pray,
I have been hopelessly wandering, falling,
Screaming to be loved by you,

My dark days are dark, and the deep is blue,
I see you grow up from the pages of the book,
that stabbing pain, that flicker of jealous,
I wish that were me, I wish that were me,
to kiss away a sudden bump,
or build forts using tree stumps,
I wish I was laughing and living each day,
With you my dear child,
I just wish you could stay,

Time may heal old wounds,
scars form and are torn each year,
this should be a time of cheer,
I retreat to my solemn bed to weep,
Missing my child, my love, my me

BABY

Baby I'm not made of stone, it hurts
the way you let our marriage fail, it hurts
I cried in May, vowed to make you pay, it burns
After all these years, I still love you, I'm CURSED
Burning flesh, our loving was the best,
almost sealed for eternity, with you I found my rest,
the urge was too much, she offered you a different kind of love,
so you left and blamed me for the pain you caused,

Baby I'm not made of stone, it hurts how you left me alone,
you promised me forever but we ended in a tragedy,
your lies and abuse cause us great loss,
so we lost three children and always fought,
the closet seemed so small as you started beating me,
I wanted and begged to be your everything,
friends should never be lovers but lovers should be friends,
we did things backwards, so we met our end,

Deception was your name, from the south talked a slick game,
while I was working you were cheating,
every line you had me believing,
I thought my African king had found me,
Just another thug wanting to run the streets,
So I made the best decision for me, gave you no more time to deceive,
I don't delete memories but you were lost in the breeze,
Fallen from the stars, hanging in the trees,

Baby I'm not made of stone, it hurt
The way love has evaded me, it hurts
I can't let these feelings go, it burns
So my soul dies for your love, it yearns
playing house, you want me devoted,
think I'll be submissive you must be smokin,
So you can be out there gaming, and I'll sit here waiting,
So I treat our home like a revolving door,
leaving in the hopes I will find more,
when I return the feelings are worst, it hurts
So in silence we sit, you can't handle it, it works

BABY I'M JADED,
LOVE GOT ME FADED,
DROWNING IN HOPES,
I'M ALWAYS LEFT WAITING,
I DON'T NEED YOUR TOUCH,
I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY,
ALL I AM LOOKING FOR IS SOMEONE TO LOVE ME,

I'm Not

I'm not the girl I use to be, laughing and finding joy in everything, 

I'm not the girl you thought I was, always in like but never in love, 

I'm not at peace where my soul should find rest, 

I'm not the champion or even second best, 

I feel alone 

Burdened by life and all that comes with it, 

responsibility and adulting, too much to handle, 

burning at both ends, this candles wick,

always alone but surrounded by friends, 

wanting to quit but right in the thick of it,

Pill after pill, used to calm my troubled mind, 

My mind, body and soul suspended in time, 

My courage is failing and joy fleeting, 

These are not ramblings of the twisted, 

the conscious thoughts, needing to be uplifted,

Young, troubled and gifted, 

Surviving suicide, life persisted, 

I can't control these dark thoughts, 

but I can shed light on what has been fought, 

depression is real and a worthy opponent, 

throw on your gloves, 

you're hurt, than own it,

until you understand what I am, 

You will only view what I'm Not